17 days and a lot of "please please please..."

I just wanted to follow up post about my chastity experience, and my grateful joyous release on Monday. After a bit of a good and proper rough handling, my gag was removed and I was allowed to beg for release, and beg I did. Both Mistresses were quite impressed with the speed I can say please, and the sheer desperation in my voice must have been convincing.

I tell ya, it was one helluva ride. Very interesting in many ways. I was switched out of the first belt into the second one early on day 4, and then went 14 days straight without taking the belt off at any point at all. That was a first. In the past, my wife would allow me to take it off for an hour here or there at night to shave and rest the skin, but with the dynamic as it is, that wasn't something happening.

And I'm amazed at how well my body held up. I got a newer belt from Chastity Heaven. about a year ago, and though it wasn't used very often, I wasn't sure it was going to work out that well. But it works great. I switched into it on day 4, and I'm really impressed.

I'm not in a rush to get locked up again, I'm sure when the time is right it will happen. There is just too much going on.

These last couple of months have been really a roller coaster. Lots of changes, lots of firsts. I'm so grateful for all the friends and all the support. The next few weeks are going to be superbly hectic, so if I'm not posting, its not because I'm in the doldrums, nor because I'm locked away and stuffed in a cage. But selling the house and moving, its like a full time job.

One other totally unrelated thing I wanted to mention that I had not gotten to, was the experience I had as Mistress Saskia & Miss Mina's rope sub for their demo at Beyond Leather. I'm not normally a big fan of rope, to me, bondage was always about a means to an end. And rope, though I can appreciate the OCD artistry, it simply a time consuming thing. I'm also not an exhibitionist, nor really a voyeur. But when Mistress Saskia said she was going to be a presenter at the conference, I offered to help however I could... and it turned out that having to get naked on a Saturday morning before about 50 people and have my nuts tied to my pulled up knee with sisal rope was one of those things that just had to happen.

And I tell ya what. It was fun. Heck, everything Sozz does is just fun. Of all the Dominant Women I know, she probably loves a laugh more than any. And knows how to get em. And Miss Mina has got one of the sexiest sadist smiles I've ever seen. Not to mention the fact that the rest of her is very easy on the eyes too. Not that I was looking, nope, not me, not one bit.

A lot more than one bit actually ;)

One last bit of news, Sofia Vergara's August 2012, Vanity Fair - Spanish edition, sure looks like something I'd script. The brunette beauty from Modern Family is shown in a snug corset and smoking. Yeah, that's definitely right up my alley.

Why Chastity?

Before I start babbling about me and my beliefs on things, I want to preface it to say that I truly and strongly believe that as long as both parties are open about it, there's no wrong way to incorporate chastity in a relationship. I was going to say "having fun" but for some, even that isn't what they want. So with that in mind... the babble.

We're all different. We all respond differently to things. We all have different goals, expectations, needs, wants, fantasies, limits, relationships, and understandings. And what works for some might fail terribly for others. Many approach chastity as a very short term casual thing, others go for duration, like a competition. Some D/s couples view it as necessity, and I have known others see it as a burden. Some people prefer to use a device, others use the honor system. None of that is wrong to do, if it works for you, don't go fixing what isn't broken.

But for me, chastity is about two things. Sacrifice and control. I sacrifice my freedom, both the ability to give myself an orgasm when I want to, but also the simple sacrifice of living in chastity. Its not convenient. It has taken years for me to get to a point where I am now - heading to finish day 16 in lockup, into day 17. And yes, that means I was not let out yesterday by my Mistresses.

Dealing with chastity requires dedication, time and effort. Some planning and preparation, and everyone is different. Mistresses might have special rules about what needs to be done that add to the challenges, but I've found that even without any added rules, just the regular day to day life requires definite planning.

I learned to go shopping for shorts and slacks when locked up. To make sure that when I'm sitting in a belt for any length of time I have enough room in the pants front. and I also have special briefs that I wear when locked, and that varies depending on what I'm doing at the time - driving, exercise, walking around and sleeping, they're all different. Its all part of my commitment to making this sacrifice. I've learned to view it as a labor of love. Shaving my privates carefully with an bikini shaver, using different types of lubes and lotions. Its been a long journey to get here, almost 10 years. I now have two custom devices that I wear, both by Chastity Heaven. The original is slightly longer and thinner, and works very well for the first few days. The second is slightly wider and shorter, and has proven a huge benefit to the health of my skin down there. Sleeping the night, wondering about metal detectors, planning and dealing. Its all part of my experience.

Keyholders also make sacrifices. Some of what they do might have to wait. CBT is something that I have learned is really rougher when locked up. The inconvenience of my occasional special needs, such as last week when I expected to report for jury duty and had to get out of the metal belt for a CB-3000 for a day. Ladies Regina and Michelle have been very thoughtful and sincere keyholders. I check in each morning with an update. I do my best to be brief, factual and fun. And I know for them, part of the fun is my struggle with the excitement that the denial causes. With that said... time to explain the control.

For some people in the scene, chastity - and especially release from it, can be about rewarding and training. Even purely about love and sharing. And there's nothing wrong with that. Others like random game of chance. Pick the right key, and you're out. Roll the dice, get a lucky number. Pick a card, any card - hey, if that works for them great. But that's not fun for me. Others see it as an reward system. I know my friend, and a man in the chastity scene who I admire greatly, Tom Allen, has railed against the idea that chastity can solve a broken marriage by making a husband attentive and dutiful. Hell, that's THE marketing campaign behind some chastity sellers. I mostly agree with him. A toy can't fix something that's broken. However, if the sharing of an experience helps a couple to feel more love, or that their D/s is more real - and that in turn leads to good things for them, well, my hat's off to ya (not that I wear a hat ;)

But for me, as chastity as is about giving up control, I don't like the idea of making it about luck. I don't want luck to control it. I want the woman who I am giving my dedication to have and use the authority that I give to her. I also don't like the idea that I need to do X, Y or Z to get out of chastity. I strive to be a good man. A gentleman. A person who gives of himself and is of service, not just to the Dominant women who might hold my key, nor just to women who identify themselves as Dominant. But to all women. Heck, to all people really. I strive to be helpful, polite, kind, thoughtful and gentle.

Now, I don't go thinking of myself as some kind of knight; partly because I see that stuff as a bit silly (but hey, if it gets you going... again, have fun!) Nor do I see myself as a slave. I am not a "female supremacist" - and I think Dominant and submissive is more about individual people, and not just their gender.

With that said, the idea of having to earn my way to release isn't really what's fun either. I don't have any objection to having rules, directions or guidelines setup as things to do. I rather enjoy that actually. But if it comes to a point where my keyholder/s aren't 100% sure they want me released on a given day, to be given a last minute task or challenge would tell me that I already hadn't earned my release. If my sacrifice and dedication wasn't suffient to make it clear that they felt the time for release was now, then I don't want to have it be some 11th hour "save" by some demonstration of it. That would be as much a let down as pulling a lucky card. If there is a real physical necessity, ruin the orgasm, and lock me back. But random luck, or a last minute whim? I find that would cheapen what the entire experience means.

The lovely ladies at meangirlsclub.com sure know how to ruin an orgasm!

You can all do what you want, like I said at the start - this is just what works for me. I like the idea of having my most intimate part controlled by a Dominant decision. I like when my sacrifice and service speak loudly and clearly, and when it can be appreciated and enjoyed. That's at the core of this type of power exchange for me.

Moving Onward

Obviously, my previous post was a big one - and for those of you who have written notes, sent e-mails, phone calls, and pictures of beautiful dominant women smoking... I thank you.

Even though I've been locked in chastity the entire time, I do sincerely appreciate all of it.

And yes, I do mean, the entire time. I have been in chastity since 6/1, and just yesterday, bested my previous longest of 13.5 days. Its been a nice distraction, and I'm grateful for the inspiration, directly and encouragement that Ladies Regina and Michelle have given me. As I mentioned in the last entry, I've begun a new dynamic, which actually started about a month before my home life got turned on its head. I don't know where it will go, it's different, in many ways.

Perhaps more like classic domination. And though I still know I'm a "switch", and by the time I learned what the terms of the scene were, I have never thought of myself as a "slave" - its very interesting to be of service, and truly want to sacrifice to make my Mistresses happy. Will I break enough to become a "sub" - I don't know. For now, I'm referred to as their personal. And I like it that way. Who knows where it goes? I don't. What does it even all mean, that I can't quite say either. I always strive to be fully open, and fully honest.

A big goal for us both in the separation is for us to find out what it is we really want, and what it is we really need. Discerning that line can be tough sometimes, and in the kink world, just as in the vanilla one, that line can move over time. My dynamic presently feels unlike anything I've been though before. Well, not totally unlike anything, but a step further perhaps. While is is still going through some very awkward hurdles because real life still exists and all the definitions, limits and meaning is still a bit in the air, I know that the feeling of being controlled is at a level it had not been in the past. And my desire to surrender that control is able to be liberated by the reciprocity. Classic power exchange kind of stuff.

Interestingly this week, my totally vanilla word for the day taught me something new. The origins of words always fascinated me, and it turns out that the origin of the word dominate, comes from Latin and meant "to tame" - interesting, no?



What I do know is that today I am to report to CP, I obviously would love release from chastity, but I also would be very ok on a deeper level if I was still denied. If that's what the Mistresses wanted, I would accept that. I truly believe that I will be just as happy (though for different reasons) no matter what happens. Though I might regret saying that at some point ;)

Physically, this is all very new. The two custom devices I have acquired from Chastity Heaven these last few years have made the experience easier than it ever was when I tried to make the CB-3000 work. One device is slightly longer and thinner, and I find that it works best for just the first few days, after that, the second device was switched and that allows my skin to breathe differently, and its been much easier to sleep in it. And after just the first 10 days I was still feeling pretty well, though the ache of desire was growing. Mercifully on day 12 I reported to CP, and was prostate milked. Although in fairness, no real "milk" resulted, the attention and effort produced an enormous relief physically, and the aches for release have only been in my spirit in the days since.

If you want to know what its like to get that experience, after 12 days of lockup, well... watch the first couple minutes of this video and listen to the passenger. I think he encompasses some of the emotional responses I was having Wednesday.

Mostly just the facts...

As my long time readers will already know, I'm not a kiss and tell blogger, nor spank or be spanked and tell blogger. This is for several reasons, and it is something that is important to me. With that said, I feel a need to update everyone to the general details of what's going on my life.

I'm not seeking sympathy. Nor attention. That's never been what this blog is about. For me, its most important to use as a way to share information, to educate and most importantly, to help others realize that they're not alone, nor *wrong* for their interests, beliefs or personal adventures.

But as some of you have wondered what's going on, and I need to explain a bit of that. Perhaps I should call this "The post that's long overdue, part 2," but I'm sure you'll realize why I haven't gotten around to posting as much, even about some things I said I would update.

For a bit background... from the time I was 13, I realized I was different. My friends were all excited by Playboy, or the same girl, that pretending to be ditsy girl with the big boobs, but not me. I savored finding cigarette advertisements, horded them quite obsessively actually , creating these elaborate collages with any pictures or text that turned me on. And as to the girls, and I would melt for most of the girls who were outside the norm. Sometimes it was the shy bookish one who had a the long brown hair, razor sharp wit and equally sharp tongue... but other times it was that super mature, and maybe aggressive girl - you know, she was 14 going on 24.

As I got older, I took my smoking fetish, hid it away and stayed very shy growing up. I guess I was cute enough that I was lucky and I would always let girls initiate things and pick me up, or sometimes flat out pick on me instead. FWIW, I was VERY short growing up, so that actually did happen, and I almost always enjoyed it! ;) Either way, as a result of all that, I stayed very shy until college. The only change to the way I responded to women, was that I found Penthouse Variations along the way, and read more and more about the wide world of kink. And my kinky fantasies grew.

Obviously, they wouldn't publish something like Variations if there weren't others, but I still felt totally alone - totally ashamed, totally wrong - as if there was a darkness inside me. It stayed that way until one night with a couple friends' talking me up til I had the courage to go into the party I was always very shy among the ladies. But after they built up my courage, I went into the party, found the sexiest single girl there, and started what was a wonderful 10 month relationship. Thank God(dess?) that she found my little fetish stash, (which by that time had grown from 1000s of cigarette ads, to include actual FemDom magazines,) and totally embraced it. If not for her, I have no idea where I'd be today.

In the 23 years since then, its been an interesting adventure. Ups and downs, loves and losses. Its life. We all live it. And now is not any different.

Three years and one month ago my wife and I bought a fixer upper investment home. We fixed it up and tested just how much of a handyman I am. It took most of my savings, and a lot of time, and now that the 3 years were up (you have to hold it 3 years to not pay back the home buyer tax credit) we listed it. And got it under contract, to sell for what we wanted, quickly.

During these three years, we went through a lot. Though we had both always had an interest in kink - and met at a Fetish Factory "Alter Ego" party, our interests were a bit different. I think that is probably true for most kink couples. Some like XYZ, and others ABC. But we tried to work together, and find a balance. But as my longing for a deeper context to kink, I started to want, and need more than my wife was ready to offer. So in the fall of 2010, my wife and I asked Lady Regina to join us in a 3 party contract, and things changed.

For me, the next 7 months were some of the happiest of my life. But it turned out, my wife had compromised herself. And though I did my utmost to establish communications and work on things, at Beyond Leather 4 in April of 2011 it was clear something was not right. Many realizations followed. Many struggles. A lot of tears. Though she encouraged me to continue exploring with Lady Regina, after trying for a few months, it just didn't feel right.

We got a wonderful therapist. We learned to have a healthy arguments. We had ups and downs. Normal couple stuff, but lots of kink struggles. I really thought it was getting better. Both our therapist and my wife encouraged me to re-explore my interests, and I started again, both with Lady Regina and my good friend Mistress Saskia when she visited us during the Beyond Leather 5 weekend (where she was a presenter.) I thought things were working themselves out. I spoke further with my wife and therapist, we discussed me trying to explore things in more detail with Lady Regina, who also suggested incorporating Lady Michelle, the Club Fem headmistress of the Southeast Florida chapter. And so we talked more about it all, and I started taking more steps into finding "context" for things.

But change was in the air, and on the day we accepted the contract to sell the house, my wife informed me that she needed space, and wanted to separate. I was shocked, and resisted at first... but she really wants it, and now I think we all agree, she needs it. And it's ok. And I'm sure I can use it too.

So now we're rolling along with closing a house and all that work, plus finding separate places to live. Working on ourselves, and communicating and seeing where things go. Its a roller coaster, but its ok. I've been on them before, and wherever its supposed to go, it will go.

I have begun a new dynamic with Ladies Regina and Michelle. They're both very supportive and in addition to being wonderful Dominants, they're good people and probably most importantly, friends. I'm grateful for my friends who are there for me to vent to, or just bounce things off of, or to tie me up and torment me.

I am not alone. I am loved, and I know that life is good.

Thanks for all the support everyone, and I hope you enjoyed seeing some of my old collages. :)

Hrmmmmm... about kink.com

There's a bit of a disturbance about the biggest internet BDSM site(s) out there - kink.com. Kink has always professed and been regarded with the highest of standards, but that seems to be changing. Evidently the owner? management? decided on a major policy/pay change (reduction) and gave the models effectively no time to plan or prepare for it (like 20 days.)

Now, many of the models have worked with them for years - and make their full time living through kink.com. The whole business is about a dozen sites too, it really is "an empire" in many ways now. And it always seemed like a great success story for the BDSM scene, for adult online content... heck, for San Fran in general (they bought an historic building and use it in the middle of the city.)

However, it seems that the water is rougher than I thought. Here's a blog post about it, and as I know very little of the going's on there I'll just leave it at that - but I hope my perception of their business stays as it has been... as a rare example of what can be good about the adult industry. For More Info - Click Here