As my long time readers will already know, I'm not a kiss and tell blogger, nor spank or be spanked and tell blogger. This is for several reasons, and it is something that is important to me. With that said, I feel a need to update everyone to the general details of what's going on my life.
I'm not seeking sympathy. Nor attention. That's never been what this blog is about. For me, its most important to use as a way to share information, to educate and most importantly, to help others realize that they're not alone, nor *wrong* for their interests, beliefs or personal adventures.
But as some of you have wondered what's going on, and I need to explain a bit of that. Perhaps I should call this "The post that's long overdue, part 2," but I'm sure you'll realize why I haven't gotten around to posting as much, even about some things I said I would update.
For a bit background... from the time I was 13, I realized I was different. My friends were all excited by Playboy, or the same girl, that pretending to be ditsy girl with the big boobs, but not me. I savored finding cigarette advertisements, horded them quite obsessively actually
, creating these elaborate collages with any pictures or text that turned me on. And as to the girls, and I would melt for most of the girls who were outside the norm. Sometimes it was the shy bookish one who had a the long brown hair, razor sharp wit and equally sharp tongue... but other times it was that super mature, and maybe aggressive girl - you know, she was 14 going on 24.
As I got older, I took my smoking fetish, hid it away and stayed very shy growing up. I guess I was cute enough that I was lucky and I would always let girls initiate things and pick me up, or sometimes flat out pick on me instead. FWIW, I was VERY short growing up, so that actually did happen, and I almost always enjoyed it! ;) Either way, as a result of all that, I stayed very shy until college. The only change to the way I responded to women, was that I found Penthouse Variations along the way, and read more and more about the wide world of kink. And my kinky fantasies grew.
Obviously, they wouldn't publish something like Variations if there weren't others, but I still felt totally alone - totally ashamed, totally wrong - as if there was a darkness inside me. It stayed that way until one night with a couple friends' talking me up til I had the courage to go into the party I was always very shy among the ladies. But after they built up my courage, I went into the party, found the sexiest single girl there, and started what was a wonderful 10 month relationship. Thank God(dess?) that she found my little fetish stash, (which by that time had grown from 1000s of cigarette ads, to include actual FemDom magazines,) and totally embraced it. If not for her, I have no idea where I'd be today.
In the 23 years since then, its been an interesting adventure. Ups and downs, loves and losses. Its life. We all live it. And now is not any different.
Three years and one month ago my wife and I bought a fixer upper investment home. We fixed it up and tested just how much of a handyman I am. It took most of my savings, and a lot of time, and now that the 3 years were up (you have to hold it 3 years to not pay back the home buyer tax credit) we listed it. And got it under contract, to sell for what we wanted, quickly.
During these three years, we went through a lot. Though we had both always had an interest in kink - and met at a Fetish Factory "Alter Ego" party, our interests were a bit different. I think that is probably true for most kink couples. Some like XYZ, and others ABC. But we tried to work together, and find a balance. But as my longing for a deeper context to kink, I started to want, and need more than my wife was ready to offer. So in the fall of 2010, my wife and I asked Lady Regina to join us in a 3 party contract, and things changed.
For me, the next 7 months were some of the happiest of my life. But it turned out, my wife had compromised herself. And though I did my utmost to establish communications and work on things, at Beyond Leather 4 in April of 2011 it was clear something was not right. Many realizations followed. Many struggles. A lot of tears. Though she encouraged me to continue exploring with Lady Regina, after trying for a few months, it just didn't feel right.
We got a wonderful therapist. We learned to have a healthy arguments. We had ups and downs. Normal couple stuff, but lots of kink struggles. I really thought it was getting better. Both our therapist and my wife encouraged me to re-explore my interests, and I started again, both with Lady Regina and my good friend Mistress Saskia when she visited us during the Beyond Leather 5 weekend (where she was a presenter.) I thought things were working themselves out. I spoke further with my wife and therapist, we discussed me trying to explore things in more detail with Lady Regina, who also suggested incorporating Lady Michelle, the Club Fem headmistress of the Southeast Florida chapter. And so we talked more about it all, and I started taking more steps into finding "context" for things.
But change was in the air, and on the day we accepted the contract to sell the house, my wife informed me that she needed space, and wanted to separate. I was shocked, and resisted at first... but she really wants it, and now I think we all agree, she needs it. And it's ok. And I'm sure I can use it too.
So now we're rolling along with closing a house and all that work, plus finding separate places to live. Working on ourselves, and communicating and seeing where things go. Its a roller coaster, but its ok. I've been on them before, and wherever its supposed to go, it will go.
I have begun a new dynamic with Ladies Regina and Michelle. They're both very supportive and in addition to being wonderful Dominants, they're good people and probably most importantly, friends. I'm grateful for my friends who are there for me to vent to, or just bounce things off of, or to tie me up and torment me.
I am not alone. I am loved, and I know that life is good.
Thanks for all the support everyone, and I hope you enjoyed seeing some of my old collages. :)