The denial of denial

I'm in a strange place emotionally. Yesterday I realized that this blog had crossed the 4 year milestone on 12/3/11; and that started me on a little trip down memory lane. It also took me to a few blog entries which had bad links, and the one that was very much a part of what inspired this blog, Ms. Arachnoidea's super elaborate corset.

As I mentioned previously, things are in transition in Casa D'Aarkey. I don't know where it will all go, but everything has been put on hold - for several reasons, most of which I don't want to mull over.

And it's been interesting. One of the weirdest things for me, and which has been really pushing it's way into my psyche again, is chastity. This is the longest I've gone without putting on a chastity belt... probably since I first got one back in 2003. And the fact is, I miss being kept in chastity.

I don't think I miss it enough to put it on myself yet. The control aspect of the denial was always a big part of the appeal (and grew to be much bigger as I played with it more.) So doing that to myself - with the keys in the mail kind of thing, I don't know that it would work.

I'm quite sure I could get the keys held, but do I really want that even is something I wonder. The idea of asking to be locked up for X period of time is so completely different from being told I'm being locked up. I just don't think I could get my head into the right mindset where I would enjoy it, ya know?

I still get regular inquiries from people about chastity. After starting the Chastity FAQ a few years ago, I became a bit of an expert on it in a few circles, and as such, people still point people my way with questions. And I really am happy to help. The gushing notes I get from a sub or a keyholder about how chastity has impacted their relationships is always awesome.

But I actually get a bit jealous now.

Not that I would necessarily want to go where they do, although the fantasy of really truly regretting being in a situation that I asked for definitely holds a twisted appeal. With all the transitions in my life, I wonder just how much of my fantasies to I really want to be real? How much do I need to be happy?

Would I feel sated if I were truly, and strictly denied like that? If I were subjected harsh domination, strict chastity and prostate milking, with no release at all, for who knows how long?

Would I be happy about the fantasy in my head where after weeks in chastity my keyholder takes me the dungeon. She ties me down tightly and removes the chastity belt. She takes out a powerful vibrator, puts it next to me. Lighting a long cigarette, she explains to me what is about to happen... "After I'm done smoking this cigarette, I'm going to put you right back into your belt. And while I'm smoking, I'm going to run this vibrator gently along your member. If you happen to orgasm during that time, I will forgive it. However, you will have to stay in chastity for twice as long next time if you can't behave yourself."

*dreamy sigh*She's keeping some fellow locked up. That poor, poor, lucky bastard.