I had a brief, but interesting exchange the other day with HMP regarding some of the ups and downs in establishing an occasional D/s dynamic and mood within a generally traditional relationship.Sometimes I fear that I give the erroneous impression to all of you who read this. While I try to focus on the positives, I do not live this spectacularly D/s switchy fetish lifestyle. Compared to many out there, I'm sure that I do - but our life definitely isn't a day to day fetish event. When it happens, or doesn't happen - the communication to keep it going takes a significant effort for both of us. There's no simple way to go from the day to day grind of working, cooking, cleaning, picking up pet poop, reading and signing 21 pages of documents and jumping into a world that is a smoking hot fetish firestorm of canes, corsets and chastity.
The more and more I think that creating the environment and mindset for it is the single trickiest part. Stepping into the fantasy world from the real one is something that can require a significant effort. I'm sure everyone who's played more than a few times knows about this. It's much like the way that I've read many Pro dommes
say "I won't play angry" - when in my old novice sub mindset the idea of an actually angry domme unleashing fury was the hottest of hot... the reality is something different. Though I do hope that with time and effort, that a we can create a certain amount of conditioning of that makes it easier. I know of couples where the simple act of putting on a collar just changes the entire tone of the relationship in an instant. Until that's well ingrained, if we're going to go "there" it can take a moment or two to set the mood. And sometimes moments can last days. For me, that's where the little day to day type things can help bring me into the mental state where I'm ready for the moment to happen. If I've been in my chastity belt for a few days, all it takes is a little nudge and I'm right off the sub-space cliff, but that doesn't mean that my Ms. is just as ready to step into the water.
As it stands, we're working on it. And talking about it. And testing the waters as we get there. A simple change of venue can be a big plus. Ever taken a night and had a mini-vacation at a hotel in the next town over? It's the same type of thing. Some people benefit and feel like they're not in the "day to day"
world when the walls of their environment change.For me, it is often as simple as wearing a chastity belt, or panties and heels. Even if I'm at my usual desk, my whole mindset is different. I'm already half way there... but not everyone is like me. I'm sure it'd be a boring place if everyone was, but corsets would definitely be mandatory ;)
There's a fine line to it all though. I believe more and more that too much fantasy can be a bad thing. There are definitely men who bury themselves in so much porn that they forget the reality. And then what's life becomes a disappointment - an ongoing & nagging failure to live up to the fantasy.
Is it unreasonable to ask for a bit of fantasy in your day to day? I sure hope not. If it is wrong, I'm doomed. On the other hand, is it fair to expect every woman to look like she fell out of your fantasy every single minute of every single day? Probably not. It wouldn't be any fairer for her to expect you to always say the right thing with your 6 pack abs showing on your hairless chest, now would it?
BTW since when did men become hairless? I manscape and trim, but no hair at all??? Its just weird. Except for balls, hair there is ick.
5 comments:
Hi Aarkey:
I have so much to say on this subject I don't even know where to begin. The topic of trying to integrate the D/s dynamic into a traditional relationship is immense. It can be incredibly rewarding and also monumentally difficult to achieve. It can also be very painful, as you stated previously when your partner knows what you need, knows how to make you happy, has done so in the past but just seemingly ignores you for long periods of time.
The funny thing is that during these dry spells, she doesn't seem to think she's ignoring my kink at all. It reminds of that Woody Allen film (Manhattan?) where the marriage counselor asks Woody how often he has sex with his wife and he goes.."practically never..like three times a week!" Then the counselor asks Dianne Keaton the same question and she replies; "Oh God! Constantly! Like three times a week!" Unfortunately our dry spells have lasted a lot longer than that. Try a couple of years at one point. That was a really bad one.
One of the ways we have managed to cope is by working kinky little rituals like foot worship, queening and nipple torture into the fabric of our daily lives and getting away from the notion of having to always have a full blown session when we play. I do miss getting the "full treatment" but I am lot a happier this way than I was going without for months at a time with nothing at all. When we did it that way my frustration used to build up to near melt down levels.
Also I have found it is so important to keep it positive. I never criticize my Queen. There is nothing to be gained by doing that. I used to get all passive aggressive and try to manipulate her with guilt and that just killed the whole thing. It's tough to remain positive when you feel hurt and rejected and need to play so bad your are about ready to jump out of your skin but you just have to try your best.
I am not sure what your dynamic is like but ours is very much that she is the top and I am the bottom. She is naturally very dominant so it's not much of a stretch for us. I found that by extending that natural dynamic, obeying her and really serving her to the best of my ability I can seduce her into dominance a lot more effectively than I could by begging, pleading and getting all passive aggressive. Actually I still beg and plead. I just try to be really really cute when I'm doing it! ;-)
A lot of it is circumstance for us too. We live in a row home in Philadelphia and we have a teenage son living with us so privacy is damn hard to come by! Hopefully some day soon he will find a friend who invites him for lots and lots of sleep overs! :-P
Anyway I am sure I only scratched the surface here. Hopefully we can have lots more conversations about this subject in the future. I know it would sure be therapeutic for me! ;-)
Mistress Ardenne once told me that she thought the best way to integrate D/s into a domestic relationship was to let it permeate everything you did without having a whole lot of expectations around what it would look like. I thought that was dead on target.
Best
hmp
Well... since you two are light years ahead of me in terms of living the life, I can't add much to the topic.
The only thing that's right on (IMO) is "conditioning" - the collar or the cage goes on and you're in the "subspace" - just like that. So, I'm thinking, since it works so well for us, subs, is it possible for the ladies to use similar triggers? Ladies, any comments?
HMP: How exactly did "Mistress Ardenne ... thought the best way to integrate D/s into a domestic relationship was to let it permeate everything you did"? I'd think that would require a tremendous amount of effort on everyone's part.
Is that Megan Fox in that outfit? Are there more of those pics? Wow!
Hi OK
That’s a great question. I guess it’s no secret now that Mistress Ardenne is a switch. I believe she was speaking from the submissive side of the coin which is the role she prefers to occupy in her personal life if I am not very much mistaken. She was basically saying that as a sub you have to give sincerely from the heart in the spirit of loving service and offer up your submission to your partner with no strings attached. That way you imbue the relationship with a D/s dynamic. Your partner in turn will hopefully pick up on this energy and feed it back to you in the spirit of loving dominance. I have found this approach to be the most successful in pursuing a D/s dynamic in my private life.
Best
hmp
HMP: I'm glad you liked the post, and it's definitely great to have compatriots who understand and are on the same forced march. Suffering with those damned army boots...
That scene in Manhattan is a perfect example. We watched Wall-E this past weekend, and the scenes where she's shut down and he's taking her to all his most romantic spots and going the extra mile to impress her reminded me a good bit of when partners are just out of sync.
Either way, the communication is needed from time to time. It's less needed then it was, more needed than I'd hope - but hey, it's obviously not her second nature, and I think that is *the* point of all of it.
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OK: Yes, that's Megan. And it's another example of what photoshop can do ;)
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HMP: I take it took the remark to simply mean "Try to focus on the giving of day to day service."
Though like the Wall-E scene, if the other person isn't at all turned on by it, or at least appreciating and noticing, well... it's a pretty empty and quiet and lonely road to drive.
Not that service in and of itself isn't a great thing. But I'm still selfish enough that I want some acknowledgment and ideally, some reciprocity.
Hey Aarkey:
Yes I quite agree that "stealth submission" just plain doesn't work. It's not that I want "payback" or "tit-for-tat" but some acknowledgment from her is essential otherwise submission becomes a lonely road that leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled. Little acknowledgments from her make a huge difference. Teasing me with her feet, allowing me to kiss her boots before she leaves for work in the morning, ordering me to go fetch her something and being sure to inject the word "slave" at the end of the command. All that stuff makes a big difference to me.
It's not second nature for her either but she is getting much better at maintaining the D/s dynamic on a day to day basis. Now if we could just get the house alone so we could have a real, full blown, pull out the stops, kick out the jams session about once a month I would be one happy subbie hubby! ;-)
Best
hmp
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