Hows and Whys

First, there is one thing above all others that chafes me. It is when people erroneously believe they know why I like to do what I do, better than I do. And that's just do-do. So, with that in mind - I'm sorry if I get heated but I have to rant a bit. Over the years, I have found that the lack of understanding or more accurately, the repeated misunderstanding regarding cross dressing and strap-on play to be frustrating. A close second comes the misconceptions that any man into chastity and cross dressing either wants to be a passable TV prostitute, or a "clean up after" cuckold. I'm going to pass on those. So, you go have your fun, but do not tell me how to go have mine, ok?

Ultimately there is no "one" reason for why all people might enjoy anything. If you think that there is, I implore you to take a step back and look at things differently. I have read * heard many dominant women say things along these lines: "Men are into cross dressing because they think it humiliates them. Also all men believe that strap on play is humiliating because to "receive" is humiliating. Ultimately, men think that being a woman is degrading because of how they view women. " Although I am sure some, (maybe many... perhaps even most) men may have some misogynistic drive behind their desire for cross-dressing and/or strapon play, not all of us are that way. Not at all. And frankly I blame Mandonna's "What it feels like for a girl" for the incorrect assumption as anything. And personally I wonder more and more if Mandonna has issues with her own sexuality.

Bottom line, plain and simple - I like wearing women's clothes sometimes. I like it because I think that I look damned sexy. And all the silky things just feels damned sexy. And to dress in drag is just plain and simply naughty. And some of it can be quite intense - and similar to bondage, like a corset, or a pair of really high heels. And yes, these are pictures of me in corsets or school girl drag.

Not only do I think I look hot, I don't feel at all humiliated. I feel empowered. And most perverts seem to think I look pretty hot too. Hell, even vanilla women have cat called at me in drag. And vanilla guys for that matter. Personally, I'm not interested in guys in any facet, but if they think I look hot, well good for them. I'm interested in the women. And women get to wear all the sexy clothes. It's that simple. It's the rules. Oh and walking in heels isn't hard, it just takes practice - though it sure does make the tootsies sore!

Now strap-on play, that can go from one extreme of being sensual and pleasurable - to being extremely intense, painful and even humiliating. First, not all people enjoy anal play. Not all women, not all men. And there are definitely folks in the scene who enjoy things, not in spite of, but because of the fact that they genuinely do *NOT* enjoy them. Yah, it's a great mind-fuck of the scene, but I can think back to a few instances of my life where in the moment something was transpiring I wasn't happy at all about it. In fact, sometimes it just downright pissed me off. And yet I went through it, because the Mistress I was with at the time wanted to do it and I wasn't strongly opposed. Ya know, it isn't all about me... So then, months later, I'm all hot about how much I hated it, and wondering if I could learn to hate it more... Anal penetration can be that way. Very much so. Do it a bit harshly. Use a toy that isn't super smooth. Bind someone in a position that they don't like. Put them into a chastity belt. Have them orgasm first, and then strap-on on them. Heck, there have to be at least a hundred different ways to vary it up. And it definitely isn't always just about "hitting the prostate and having a pleasurable experience, while secretly feeling degraded because it's feminine to be the receiver instead of the giver."

It's just not about that at all for me. It really is that simple.

And just one small aside, I found out that my ex-wife got uncomfortable with the sexual experimenting in our relationship exactly when I brought up anal play for me. She said (in counseling long after our marriage was failing) that she had a hard time "viewing me as a man" after we'd tried some strap-on play. So, I can definitely understand why so many men would never dare open up about an interest in it. So many men are afraid to do anything that isn't chest pounding macho - and when you get down to it, it's a bit funny how much of a motivator fear plays in acting tough. It's like the 3 tap rule.

Pay a bit of attention the next time you see two men hug. If one of the guys might be uncomfortable with his sexuality, he'll give the 3 tap on the back hug - which is the signal to the other man that he better stop hugging because he's not comfortable anymore, and he might need to get violent to prove his masculinity and heterosexuality soon if you don't let go. It's the "I swear I'm a straight guy three tap" - and if you look for it, you are most certain to see it. And yes, it's all in the man rules handbook.

Sane & Mature - finally...

For years I've wondered if it was possible that something in the mainstream might portray people into S&M as sane, and not just as comic relief. And for years anything such as that has been an exception rather than a rule. Some folks loved Secretary, but I saw it as a movie where the female lead is suicidally depressed, and cutting herself. The man is painfully OCD, terrified of his sexuality, and seems to be barely less depressed than she is. Then, they find each other - and now we're to assume it is just happily ever after? Ummm, no. That's not how it works.

Others also have loved CSI's "Lady Heather". And while I love her character and find her an awesome example (icon? role model?) for pro dommes, it's important to keep in mind that as balanced as she may seem to be, her life is surrounded by death. Of course, Grissom wouldn't be having tea with her otherwise... right? *wink*

Now don't get me wrong, I think that kinksters have just as many (and maybe more) participants who are a bit wonky in the head than most general cross sections of society, but to just be dismissed the way that we are, well it's judgmental and antiquated. Now, while I personally love a good laugh and have an easy and quirky sense of humor, but to see a BDSM scene in a movie where it is "real" - well it's refreshing. Even if the scene is a bit silly, at least it isn't slapstick. And... it took the French to do it. The film Prête-moi ta main has finally done it. BTW, it's known as "I do" in the English version, though I think it translates to "Give me your hand" - which is technically asking, rather than replying to the proposal, n'est pas? One sad point, it doesn't appear that this is a big enough film release to make it to either netflix or blockbuster yet. :(

Anywho - here's the scene to download. It's a 22MB video file hosted at MediaFire.com

My rough translation (and it's been a long time since I studied or spoke French)

His Mom stops by and interrupts her son & his partner (relationship undeclared) having a scene. And IMO, Charlotte Gainsbourg has never looked so hot before btw.

And mom's totally ok with it all - and starts talking about her own sex life, which freaks her son. So mom realizes that she'd better just leave. But the interruption causes the couple to have a bit of a tiff (I actually think it's because the woman is upset that man wasn't ok talking with his mom about it) and if my translation is correct, Charlotte then says that she can't do it anymore, it's all "too much", and tells him to his clothes on. I'm not sure if the particular scene was too much for her, (having mom pop in would kill a scene for me), but either way it was nice to see people who are kinksters not portrayed as total clowns, or total crazies.

With all of that said, I'm not a huge fan of their outfits. Especially mixing the red & black like they did. I'm more of an all black purist. Although color can work too, there needs to be more of it, and a bit more balance. And, I never really *got* the horse play thing, aside from women's riding habits... yummmm.

Under lock and key

Ok, I'm blatantly stealing this, but... well... "Vanilla Edge" Tom did it first! There's an article about the Millers in the The Salt Lake Tribune - they are the people and company that make the CB-2000, 3000, etc.

Which evidently moved it's HQ to Utah from Vegas... talk about a change of locales! All in all, it is a sincere, non-judgmental article; though you never know if it will cause the Mormon's to go up in arms because, because although it's about chastity - it might be used as some kind of perverted, kinky, not really about God, kind of chastity.

Either way, I am always happy to see something in the mainstream media which doesn't come out and call anyone with any alternative sexuality a complete loony. The only thing that I don't think is accurate in the article is at the bottom where they describe the 3000 as for average men, but the 6000 for larger. Since the 6000 is actually a bit thinner, and barely longer. The thing about the 6000 is about subtle changes in the design, which make it more stable and probably easier to wear for most men.

It's interesting timing on it too, since I was thinking a bit today about working on a future blog entry regarding the differences in the 3000 & 6000 styles. One thing for sure, I really wish they'd make one that's a 1/2" wider in diameter, and didn't have the darned air slots. Some options and add ons (within reason, of course) would really help the community out. Hopefully they're getting the sales volume high enough with the company to realize that the next logical step includes supporting their existing market, rather than just trying to create totally new designs.

*Drip.... drip...*

Generally, I'm not really into enemas. I've had a few in my life, different styles too. And even though I like tushy touchy sometimes, I just find enemas to be generally unpleasant. And far more time consuming then people imply. Usually they make me feel like I need a nap - which isn't sexy. I don't know if it's my internal tubing, but it takes me a long while to feel fully empty. At least a full hour after the enema, I'm still on that "I might need to go one more time" edge. And those Fleet disposable enemas? I must be hyper sensitive to the ingredients that they put into them, because I never feel emptied out after I take one of those. And the mineral oil one? Well that's great if you want your butt to feel anal leakage for a day.

So, my actual enema adventures have been it's a bit of a bummer... (no pun intended) I have had an enema curiosity for a long time, and I always thought I'd like it. The intimacy, the invasiveness, the history, the violation... and yet... the discomfort, the awkwardness, the waiting. I remember seeing these pictures of the Domme in the green latex in a FemDom magazine way back in the days before the internet. The big bulb on the end of the enema tube is a bardex - which inflates so that the enema can not be pushed out. Throw in a dominant woman smoking, and well... it had me fascinated. The story that accompanied these pictures - was extra hot. The story described it as a punishment enema, how the bardex forced him to hold the enema, and take it all. And the Mistress took her time with it, opening and closing the tube clamp - dragging out the torment. All the while, smoking her cigarette and lecturing him about who was in charge and how he would learn to behave or else. And... well, that's just hot fantasy. Really, really hot.

However, I'm just not built for being flushed I guess. I have learned that two rinses using a bulb enema before strapon play is my best option. I put a pinch of salt in the water, and a few rinses and everything seems cleaner and easier. But the tales that I read over the years... 2 quarts or more, forced into the bound sub - using a bardex - and then he was plugged! Well, that's just staying in the world of fantasy for me.

And yet, there's a lingering part of my imagination that still calls for it. Weird, eh? I'm not exactly sure what the fascination is. The clinical nature? The whole... "It is for your own good, sorry if it cramps, but it *HAS* to be done" part of it. We all know that the "naughty nurse" is a big fantasy for men everywhere. I mean, heck... it makes up at least 25% of all 70's porn - the other 75% is focused on pizza delivery. The idea of the reluctant patient, a group of nurses - they have to holding you down, force a tube into that most intimate and private place, all "for your own good" - c'mon... that's just hot, right?

If only it wasn't so totally uncomfortable. If it was just a rinse thing, and I could get back to feeling "normal" (whatever the hell that means) in 10 mins, well that'd be no biggie. But I usually feel totally wiped out for an hour, or even longer. And well, that's just too long. It's a total mood kill.

Oh, and the picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar as a nurse, with a syringe is for that fetishist who e-mailed me about how that was his fetish. Since I stumbled on it digging up naughty nurse shots - and though there's nothing enema about it, maybe the shot it to disable you so she can give you an enema. I donno... you go ahead and figure how it out for yourself. ;)

Still Sparta?

This was just too absurd not to pass along. Click it to watch the 1.75MB animated gif of horror.

Oh, and in other news, today is Firefox download day! "Help to set a guinness world record, and enjoy a better web" - spreadfirefox.com.

Mystery women identified - millions relieved!

Wooooo hooo!

As some of you know, one of the themes of my blog has been identifying this mystery woman - who's lovely pictures had shown up in a few smoking fetish sites and forums, but never with any web site identification or name.

The lovely lady is known as (drum roll please...)

Monique Vegas

The entries have paid off!
Blog entry #1 - #2 - #3

Of course, she has her own pay site. So if you like what you have seen, join up. Or at the very least go there for some more free preview pictures.

Thanks everyone for all the hard research and help in ID'n Ms. Vegas. And extra thanks to Dawn P for correctly identifying our lovely smoking hot fetish goddess.

Kali's Teeth Bracelet

Perhaps the most ominous of all chastity devices ever made for a man to wear is the Kali's Teeth Bracelet - known within the chastity community as just by it's initials as the "KTB".

Fortunately, it is no longer in production. And just from looking at the picture I am sure you can see why. This thing wasn't a joke. I can not imagine it being worn for any length of time realistically. It has named after Kālī, the Hindu goddess.

I don't know if it came in different sizes, but it seems quite small. Here is a 28MB RM video hosted at MediaFire.com of a 24/7 real lifestyle D/s relationship. In this 11 minute scene the Mistress spends a few minutes talking about the KTB and what it (and enforced chastity) mean to her. She then puts her full time sissy into the KTB, and watching him struggle physically and emotionally within the whole D/s dynamic is just fascinating. The video gets awkwardly loud in parts, and frankly it looks well past where my personal safe word line is, but it makes for hot fantasy.

I'm quite sure that the video comes from the web site: maid-victoria.com. If you like it, please support by joining. BTW, I did a double take after her remark at the 10:18 moment. It's as emotionally brutal to me as the KTB looks to be physically.

For those of you out there that see this and want to try something like that out, there are a few options that I know of which are available. The MCD "Male Chastity Device", the POI "Points of Intrigue", which are an add on for the Miller style CB-2000,3000,6000 & curve and lastly a new model by Ms. Lori. The MCD & POI are made of plastic, and look a little more humane than the KTB, though I guess that depends on how snug and sharp things are. The MCD design is almost identical to the KTB, though it's adjustable and made from plastic, so I'm sure it's more reasonable cost wise (and function) than the KTB. Ms Lori's device seems to be far more muted than the KTB, and it looks like the pins are not intended to be sharp.

Links for more info:
MCD: web site - pic
POI: web site - pic
Lori's: web site - pic

We own the POI. And though I'm not particularly a CBT enthusiast, I'm not a wimp either, but I had to file the points down a little in order to make wearing them at all bearable. And those are the small ones, the other ones, well... I gave em away. It's been quite a while since I've been told to wear them. And frankly, that's not something I'm unhappy about. There is a tipping point where a strict and demanding dominant can become simply cruel. And while I don't think my D/s experiences have ever taken me up to that point yet, I know it exists. Someday I think I would like to dance on that edge of harsh and brutal, but I'm willing to slowly walk up to that edge before I look over and think about jumping.

All in all, the concept behind these types of devices is that any arousal by the man causes him pain, so it teaches you to try not to get hard. And for many chastity folks that is a very hot concept. The reality of it is a trickier bit of business. And though there are men who claim to wear things that actively discourage arousal, I suspect the size and fit of things matters a great deal. From the video it appears very clear that based on the man and the size of the KTB he's wearing, he doesn't need to be aroused to feel pain from it. And as it is literally razor sharp, it will "chew" him up. The small POI as they came from the supplier, were enough for me to get cuts on my shaft within 30 minutes of wearing it. And no arousal was necessary. And bumping the cage, well... I can't wear it like that. I filed them down, and my g/f has told me to wear them for a scene play a few times. But wearing day in day out, like some guys claim... for me, that's just the stuff of fantasy.

I will admit it is a hot fantasy though ;)

Brilliant ad

Photography & Photoshop

Photoshop, as some prior blog entries hopefully have shown - can be used for old fashioned humor, it can be used for parody It can be used for just about anything. Alter the focus of an image, add makeup after the fact, or just take out minor imperfections. Photoshop is an awesome tool. Heck, see how I can use it to repair an older photo - or how artists can put in a wealth purely artistic affects. Ultimately it's about how you want to relay a message - even if the photo is a fake.

Like this retouch to the left. It's subtle, so subtle that Mistress Saskia couldn't even pick it up. When I saw the original of Princess Aries I couldn't figure out what was wrong, til I realized that the top didn't fit her. It made her look square, and she's has a lovely figure. So, I gave her the natural curves back. I consider that to be the proper use of Photoshop.

But sometimes it's use is careless and even negligent. It seems that more and more folks using it don't know or don't care about the affect of art. For the last 12+ years I've used photoshop, and I've become more and more attuned to the abuse of it. If you take a careful look at the women of Playboy now, they don't look like women. Neither do most of the women on the covers of anything at the supermarket checkout line. They look like some kind of doll. Not quite "real doll" but close, and getting closer all the time. And I wonder how that affects what men expect women to look like, and how it affects the way that women look at themselves. Just a couple weeks ago the g/f and I realized that a friend of ours was turning into a human barbie. She's a sweat heart of a woman, but the amount of silicone, and plastic, and the hair, and the nails... it's just sad. And frankly, where's Ken? I had never really thought of the plastic surgery and nail tips and stuff as a genuine form of "body mod" before - but it definitely is. Especially when it gets like that. And everyone is allowed to be their own person, hey - who am I to limit that. But I just hope she's happy. To be doing that to herself out of some compulsion to fit into the 38-18-26 Barbie dimensions... she just makes it tough to remember there is a very sweet person underneath all of that. Heck, if you are going to for that at least get into a corset! :P

And yet, I still often find that the best pictures are just the old style of purely set up content. Something that naturally communicates to the viewer. For another great example - take a look at this very moving series shown below...

Protocols, consistency, regimen

Ya know, I never liked protocol in the BDSM world. I thought it was silly. But I'm starting to think differently of late. A big issue in the D/s dynamic within my relationships of the past has been the absence of any consistent assertion of dominance and/or discipline. As a result when we'd play out a scene, I wasn't able to get into a submissive mindset, I'd fight it. And I'd get toppy from the bottom. And though I'm aware of it as an issue, I still see that happen to a degree. I was sure that if once a month I was truly and totally dominated "my ass kicked, brain scrambled" - it would be enough to scratch the itch. But I now know that I need some kind of lead up in order to really feel dominated.

Just this weekend when it came play time, I actually turned it down. Because I wasn't in the mindset at all.

Sunday after running around and house shopping and going to the local fresh food market, the g/f and I returned home. She had told me a few days earlier to expect some strapon fun, but frankly by the point we got home on Sunday, I wasn't really in the mood.

See, I knew that she had a good bit of work to do to get ready for her week - and I was mentally pre-occupied with all the house shopping, which I'm finding out is a pretty stressful and unfun experience. I just wasn't *there* at all. I would've liked to have been, since real life is busy and play time isn't every ding dong day... but I simply wasn't.

So, when we got home she asked when did I want to play, I said I didn't. We had a little vanilla fun later, but nothing too kinky. And it was quite nice. And I don't know if/when I'll have kinky madness again, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I suspect a part of me could've used a real brain scramble right then. But I think it would've required more out of her than she was capable of. And without any buildup at all, without any emotional prep - like time in chastity or something, I just felt kinda like it was "going over the check list" thing. And frankly that sucks. I don't want my g/f to feel like she has an obligation to play a part, or to just fill a role that I need. She's a real life person, not some object of fantasy. Alhough sometimes the purely fantasy stuff can be hot too.

Meh. I don't know how to get out of that non-sub mindset, but that's where I was at. To be totally frank, there is a part of me that would've liked to have been *forced* at that point - but I also know that since I had no build up, I wasn't at all in a submissive mindset. So, it seems like 99% of our lives is not in a D/s dynamic these days, so... it gets tougher to get into that pervy mindset.

And in fairness, it's tougher to force someone to do something when they actually *don't* want to do it, than when they *do* want to do it. Meh! How did it all get so... vanilla?

Now I'm thinking that more and more I believe a regularity with D/s - a formal schedule even - perhaps with limited protocol to interactions is a critically important part to creating a realistic setting where Domination and submission can even happen has it's merits. Belonging to a munch group, or something along those lines might just be enough to encourage it. But does it have to feel like work? Does it have to feel like going over the check list?

Where is that pervert who said she had a thing for foot binding?

Just another case where reality isn't quite as hot as fantasy.

And it's not like it's just either one of us. I can't even remember when the last time I wore something fetishy, or gender bendy at all. I haven't worn my corset in months, heels? Nope. I don't ever even bother wearing panties. Aside from some chastity belt play, there hasn't been much of anything outside of vanilla lately. Oh well. I try to focus on the positives, but sometimes this comes out. Where did those pervy kids go?

/whineymodeoff

Oh I speak *that* language

Oh, and in case anyone wonders why a gringo like me sometimes pauses on the Spanish only channels... well, I give you - Thalia. And no matter how thin she is, she had to have invested some time in waist training to be comfortable laced in that small.

To be out, or not to be out

It's a tricky question for some of us kinksters. And something I've thought a great deal about for many years. And perhaps as importantly as out or not - just how out do I want/need to be?

On the devastatingyet blog the Mistress wrote a blog entry about "Meeting the Folks" - which again brought to mind the question of just how out to be. At the family event the Dominant remembers during the discussion with the family, the remark: "She wanted to know why we felt the need to be out, since obviously most people don’t tell their families details of their sex life." That one small remark has been as critical as anything else as to why I have decided to greatly limit just how "out" I am.

A mistress on the Max Fisch forum brought up the subject and question of how people define "lifestyle" (as opposed to professional Dominatrix/client) type dynamics. And that allowed me another opportunity to reflect on and redefine myself.

As of today, this is my definition of ideal lifestyle: A sexually monogamous and committed relationship, where we live together. Play outside of the relationship is allowed - with approval and understanding, but receiving orgasms outside the presence of each other would have to be discussed. The 24/7 dynamic would be to live as total equals with respect and understanding at all times. If however my Mistress wished to start a scene she would be able to initiate that at any time (within reason and privacy) by simply using a keyword (or action) to initiate it. As to what happens, and how it plays out and where it goes from there would depend on our own likes, interests and limits - and how they mesh with each other.

A book I highly recommend to anyone who is considering opening up to a loved one and is a bit concerned about how they might receive it, or how to go about it, is: When Someone You Love Kinky. It's a series of experiences and letters written by people who are kinksters to their loved ones: partners, parents, even grown children. I found it to be the most loving approach to this as I've yet read.

And one semi-side note, if you go to fetish events and you don't want to be out - be wary of the folks walking around with the camera. At smarter events they always wait to make sure they get your eye contact first and a little nod (or pose) to show that you are ok with having your picture taken.

But at some events they don't do that. And unless you've been to that event before it's up to you to protect your privacy. Sure, if it was an ideal world they wouldn't take your picture, but the fact is - this isn't an ideal world. And not everyone is aware of what is important to you, or deals with life the same way.